Saturday Night Fever (posted 9/9/08)

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine 

and puts them into practice is like a wise man

who built his house on the rock. 

The rain came down, the streams rose, 

and the winds blew and beat against that house; 

yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock."

Matthew 7:24-25

So I cried today...Please don't act like you don't cry cuz ur lying. I don't know if its the feeling of powerlessness (if that's even a word). Not being able to fix my life with a snap. Or is it seeing people around me that claim to care act so indifferent towards my situation. My aunt (Miriam) said today that "Los amigos seconocen en las funerarias y los hospitales" (TRANSLATION: You meet your friends at funerals and hospitals) Don't get it? Well at the hardest points in life, in death or in sickness those who are there are your friends. I was on the phone with her for about 2 hours and a was able to vent. It feels good to have some1 you can talk to and will not judge you. That is the perfect example of unconditional love. (did i mention she is also my God mother?)I cant say she hasn't wanted to kick my a$$ every now and then because I'm a tough cookie but she never has and never sugar coats anything for me.

I think i wanna go into hibernation mode. A point in my life where i just stay away from everyone and everything. Just deal with me...me and me! The say misery wants company, well i don't want any....THANKS! I need to be alone (well just me and mini-me). Something i don't quite understand is happening inside (growing the hell up perhaps)! Today i will NOT put on my dancing shoes and go clubbing, today i will NOT touch the Goose, today i will not run away from this feeling. I will face it and say "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I will not visit anyone or get on the phone. I will not ignore my feelings of unhappiness. (Thank You Angie for offering your company...your support is priceless). I'm unhappy and don't have a fu*kin clue how to make it better. I dunno WHO or WHAT will make me happy. i have no idea what is missing in my life and that has to be the most frustrating feeling ever. (Its similar to being hungry and not knowing what you want to eat). If i just go to sleep tonight....without changing my outlook its just gonna drag on to tomorrow. I think i have FOSN Syndrome. (Fear of Saturday Night Syndrome) LOL ! every Saturday night that i stay in I'm all sad and shit....fu*k it i guess i just gotta suck it up and deal right???

Well I'm outta here.....